Posted in Negative, Productivity

Day 12

Heyheyhey I still feel like shit, but that’s okay!!! We had our first preformance today, and it was a lightweight trainwreck bc my glasses got kicked off stage and my hair tie broke rip but i mean??? Coming home at 11pm to do hw??? Lovin it!!!! But I finished my analasis for this poem in spanish, so i mean whoohoo!!!! Ok night yall, be safe.

-ofdragonsandtea out.

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Posted in Negative, Rants

in which i find myself in bed with thoughts

​Im so tired and sad and ahdgnjfugve i really dont like it when my depression kicks in for no reason and its like hey fucker!!!!! Lets go fuck sum shit up and like no. Fuck you. Fuck off. Im tooo tired for this and im too sad for this. And i just want break and im ready for the 3 day weekend but also like i need to cram for oral exams so like why no im ready to die finals suck and i just want to cry a lot ok??? And like i dont like being insecure about stupid things like??? And i hate that feeling of somebody that you used to be best friends with, and like now you literally dont tlak to them and it just sucks because like??? Mutual friends and like??? I still care for this person, but i know they dont care for me and it just really really sucks sorry ive just been having a really terrible week and ive tried doing thigs hapoy like hanging out at lunch with friends but they never go as planned and them my brain makes a big deal of them andgajdks and im so stressed becasu e of myself because i have rhe tendency to overthink things and then the riny problems they create just get bigger snd bigger and like im falling behind kf school work and it makes me so sad bc i used to be a good student but not i feel like a failure and i dont know??? Like im trying to take baby steps but now i feel like i hit a road block and like relationship??? Kinda stress me out bc like there are times when the other person doesnt reply and then like im all like oh shit are they ignoring me?? But i have to tell myself that they have other prioitires and then theres still that back voice saying stupid tjings like what happpens if they never lkked you or what if this is just a lie adkgsj I DINT KNOW OK I DONT KNOW SO MANY THJNGS SO THEN IT GETS TO ME AND IT REALLY REALLY SUCKS LIKE I dont know hkw tk explain this feeling ok im sorry im just having a rough month and everything kust piled up and im just so lonely and sad and i hate feeling lonley bc then stupid thoughts happen Nd they grow bigger and bigger and then theres so much anxiety and stress that folloas and like the other day i had a panic attack for no reason and imdhaba like why???? It just made everything super terrible ok sorry im going to sleep now

Posted in Negative, Rants

complications

​im just really scared of having feelings bc it seems that when ever i like someone, and they like me back we get close and we share our lives and theres always this point in which if i share too much of my problems im afraid ill get annoying and then they wont care for me anymore, and in our relationship theyll start to put less effort and im just scared of being unwanted, unloved, unappreciated and it’s because ive been hurt so many times that i end up not telling them how i feel, and about my problems, bc when they do, at first they care about me, but it gets to the point where, when i tell them im having a bad moment, which is all the time,  they start to get annoyed with me and my condtant state of mental unstability, so now i just dont say anything and i hate it, and i hate how my brain works, and i hate how im having such a time, and then my depression hit and i hate how i think so lowly of myself and i just really hate it when i feel like this, i mean all i want is for someone i care about, to care just the same amount to me, and idk im sorry im just in need of a hug

Ofdragonsandtea out.

Posted in Negative, Poetry

​im stressed

and depressed
and although i try my best
it ends up being a broken nest
it breaks and i just find myself
falling
.
.
.

into the dark abyss of my thoughts
pulling at all sides
till it rips me apart
showing my hollow heart
but i guess its a start
its better than darts
or maybe its worst
i keep worrying till i burst
and let me be not the first
but one of the few
who has a view
and say
i’m not ok.
i am very much so not never really ever
ok.
for i am drowing in my tears
lost in my thoughts
for who am i to say that
im ok
for i never was, am, are or will be
i tell this to thee
to treat me with care
so i can bare
living to another day
and the child within me
will be kept at bay
for you not to see.

i am depressed
and stressed
and never ok
but i tell me
to be
Hopeful.

Posted in Negative, Rants

Rant #3

Uphill and downhill. Everyone knows that uphill can stand for things getting better, and how downhill can stand for things that are getting worse. But why is that?

I think it’s because when someone is literally going downhill, then things are supposed to be easier. So then when things are going downhill does it mean that when things that are going bad, then it’s easier for things to get worse? I mean I think that might be true because it’s like oh you forget one thing, and then when you’re stressing about that one thing, then other bad things happen, and so eventually they pile up and maybe that is what it refers to?

And for uphill, ok so it’s harder to bring things uphill, because science stuff right? But metaphorically speaking, when things are going up hill , things are getting better. And in real life, for things to get better, then the person has to work for it, and it’s going to be hard, until they are at the top. Maybe that’s what it refers to?

Sorry, change of subject.

You know what weird, is that like when my friends are having problems and they are really unsure and they need help, and so when they talk to me, and I give them decent advice, but the thing is I get a lot of the similar problems, but when I have them, I don’t use my own advice, and then it gets really problematic and I don’t’ know I really hate. I really hate myself sometimes for being so stupid. Like why do I make things so hard for myself when things can really be easy, and I just overthink things and it ends up being a terrible and fucked up thing that happens in my life?

And like why is it that when I have problems and then my friends also have problems, and I shove my problems into a corner and then I help my friends with theirs, but then at the same time, my problems pile up, and then when i actually look at them, it is like a giant pile of fuck ups, and then it just tips over and falls on me. Why is it that I do that? That I always put people ahead of me? Is it because When other people are happy, it makes me happy, despite the numerous amount of problems( no matter how big or small they are), and how I push them to the back of my mind, only to have them run back and stab me over and over again. Why is it that I always make the wrong decision? Why is it that I constantly think that my existence is pointless, and that life isn’t worth living?

Why is it that whenever I wake up I think that it’s going to be pointless to get up because nobody is going to care anyways?

WHY IS IT THAT I KEEP THINKING THESE THOUGHTS?

And why is it that I constantly wear a mask tot tie down these thoughts in my head, to make it seem like I’m ok, and that I’m fine?

Because it’s like I’m a huge fucking liar because I’m never fucking fine. I’ve just been on this downhill slope for the past 3 fucking years, and I’m going straight to hell. Just kidding, I’m already there with this fucking fucked up brain.

Why am I being so negative. Why?

 

End of Rant