Posted in Negative, Rants

in which i find myself in bed with thoughts

​Im so tired and sad and ahdgnjfugve i really dont like it when my depression kicks in for no reason and its like hey fucker!!!!! Lets go fuck sum shit up and like no. Fuck you. Fuck off. Im tooo tired for this and im too sad for this. And i just want break and im ready for the 3 day weekend but also like i need to cram for oral exams so like why no im ready to die finals suck and i just want to cry a lot ok??? And like i dont like being insecure about stupid things like??? And i hate that feeling of somebody that you used to be best friends with, and like now you literally dont tlak to them and it just sucks because like??? Mutual friends and like??? I still care for this person, but i know they dont care for me and it just really really sucks sorry ive just been having a really terrible week and ive tried doing thigs hapoy like hanging out at lunch with friends but they never go as planned and them my brain makes a big deal of them andgajdks and im so stressed becasu e of myself because i have rhe tendency to overthink things and then the riny problems they create just get bigger snd bigger and like im falling behind kf school work and it makes me so sad bc i used to be a good student but not i feel like a failure and i dont know??? Like im trying to take baby steps but now i feel like i hit a road block and like relationship??? Kinda stress me out bc like there are times when the other person doesnt reply and then like im all like oh shit are they ignoring me?? But i have to tell myself that they have other prioitires and then theres still that back voice saying stupid tjings like what happpens if they never lkked you or what if this is just a lie adkgsj I DINT KNOW OK I DONT KNOW SO MANY THJNGS SO THEN IT GETS TO ME AND IT REALLY REALLY SUCKS LIKE I dont know hkw tk explain this feeling ok im sorry im just having a rough month and everything kust piled up and im just so lonely and sad and i hate feeling lonley bc then stupid thoughts happen Nd they grow bigger and bigger and then theres so much anxiety and stress that folloas and like the other day i had a panic attack for no reason and imdhaba like why???? It just made everything super terrible ok sorry im going to sleep now

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Posted in Positive, Rants

being human

​Hi there.
I know that life sucks, like it really fucking sucks and there are things that you cant do shit about, and yeah, that reality its going to fucking suck, and its going to hurt and it’s going to leave scars and holes in your heart. And thats fine. It’s fine to feel confused, it’s fine to be angry, and sad amd upset. It’s fine to cry. Its fine to feel a mixture of emotions that drain your energy and make you feel empty. But the thing is, once you hit that point of being empty, you have to start filling yourself up with positive things.
Like the way i see it is that you start off filled with all of these emotions, good and bad, and then once theyre all used up, you have to refill yourself, and yes it sounds confusing but bear with me, say normally you use up the happy emotions first, and then youre left with all the sad and the bad ones, you’re going to have to use them up before you refill, so this is also why sometime you may feel like youre sad or upset for no reason, but maybe it’s bc you just need a good cry, and afterwards you just feel empty inside, like you have nothing left to give, and i understand that, i understand that its so fucking confusing, and you have no idea shat to feel, and thats ok. 
It’s fine. It’s ok. It’s normal.
And then you wish to feel happy, so i guess some people just keep wishing, or somepeople do something that is comforting ro them, like reading, or look at funny vives or memes, everyone deals with it in their own way. I think its fine as long as you are making an effort to be better, i think thats what really matters. And yes i know that there are people who say that they cant do anything about it, and i might sound ignorant and stupid, but i call bullshit.
I call bullshit on that thinking bc it is your body, and your mind. You control it. You can start by having wishful thinking, but at some point you have to take control, even if it little by little, it’s a start and thats progress.
And hey maybe you have different ways of getting through it, but when life hits you hard, it hurts, and taking control again is vital. You could maybe start by setting small goals each day, and then it progressivley gets bigger, and then at one point you realize that you are able to do things that you used to think was hard, and then now they seem like it’s just everyday action, and i can tell you, its one of the best fucking feelings in the entire world, it’s a start, and it’s a progress, 
but another thing tho is that there is no end goal exactly, i mean it varies for people, but know that there are going to be multiple bumps in the road, some larger than others, and that your progress is not going to be a line that just goes up, its going to go up and down, and thats fine. Because life isnt just a smooth and easy path. Everyone is have issues, that may seem bigger/smaller to others, but in their own persepctive their problem is valid, (so dont go bashing on other peoples problems for the most part), and after that bump in the road you just gotra pick yourself up, take a breath, and keep marchin on.
Because you are so fucking strong. And so fucking beautiful. And you are so unique, and fantastic, and human. You are human, and you dont have to like everything about yourself, but you have to accept it. I believe in you, your family believes in you, youre friend believes in you, and the world does too. And at times you may feel alone, but just stop and think about how much you matter to people, how much of you are in their lives, and be grateful for the people in your lives that make living just a bit easier.
You got this. You are strong. You are beautiful. You are human.

I love you, and i believe in you.

Ofdragonsandtea out.

Posted in Negative, Rants

complications

​im just really scared of having feelings bc it seems that when ever i like someone, and they like me back we get close and we share our lives and theres always this point in which if i share too much of my problems im afraid ill get annoying and then they wont care for me anymore, and in our relationship theyll start to put less effort and im just scared of being unwanted, unloved, unappreciated and it’s because ive been hurt so many times that i end up not telling them how i feel, and about my problems, bc when they do, at first they care about me, but it gets to the point where, when i tell them im having a bad moment, which is all the time,  they start to get annoyed with me and my condtant state of mental unstability, so now i just dont say anything and i hate it, and i hate how my brain works, and i hate how im having such a time, and then my depression hit and i hate how i think so lowly of myself and i just really hate it when i feel like this, i mean all i want is for someone i care about, to care just the same amount to me, and idk im sorry im just in need of a hug

Ofdragonsandtea out.

Posted in Positive, Rants

spread the love

​When im feeling really sad and blue, when im feeling really stressed and depressed, i try to spread some love!! And i want to know that you guys are all super beautiful, and that you guys matter so much to me and the world. You guys have so many talents and are so individuals and unique, and you guys are so great, that some of you guys dont realize how much you mean to people, and how much you mkae peoples lives better! And you guys deserve the world and all the greatness it has in it! And despite how much you guys have going on in your lives, how much negativity, all the hatred that we have felt this week, I love you and all the pain that you have felt, I’m here for you. And just take deep breaths, and find something you love and enjoy it. Take a break, and take some time for yourself this weekend 🙂

This is your daily reminder that you are fucking beautiful and worth so much. You are worth more than the world and it’s treasures combined, and you are part of the beauty that makes this world run 💜 

be strong and be safe this weekend ✊

Posted in Positive, Rants

Bad Week Remedy

​Find a sappy romance with clique endings, or find multiple books and just bindge read so you can escape reality
Find a friend to talk to, talk about anything, the good and hr bad, maybe get coffee with them
Coffee plans? Dont want to talk? Bring that book, or a sketchbook and just sit there in silence, maybe listen to music and enjoy each others company
Music: find old music that you know all the words too, maybe you havent listened to it in 3 years, but you know all the words to it, make a positive playlist
Sleep, sleep sleep
Cry, it’s ok to stress and cry and be dramtic about it, if thats what makes you let it all out, then do it! A good cry is maybe what you just need
Write it down, write how you’re feeling, and then crumple it up, or fold it into some oragami, make your negative rants into something beautiful
Bindge eatch disney movies, princess movies are bonus for happy feelings, and snacks are a good bonus 🙂

Posted in Rants

in which i find myself in a state of thought

Alright, ok so this might go somewhere, it might not.

but i’m in theater, and i hate this year so far. there are these freshmen that joined, that i absolutely don’t care about and they don’t stop singing fucking songs from fucking musicals, which hey is great, if only they didn’t do it all the fucking time. But now that I’ve thought about it I feel fucking terrible for disliking them based on what they like, and now I’m swallowing myself into a pit of self hate, and I really hate myself for doing this because it’s such a fucking struggle and I don’t know why I do it. I really hate myself for being such a judgmental frigid bitch.

And now I’m just being an angry bitch because there are so many things in my life that are piling up. And the only reason I am saying so much of this inner conflict that I have on here is because it’s with strangers, or with people I trust.

OK but more problems, and these may not seem as big issues, but to me, I get really stressed out easily and my brain thinks it’s a fucking great idea to make these tiny issues overdone and bigger then they actually are!!!  And to start off, in my life, I have these two people in my life, that are, or well they used to be my best friends, but then, lets call them S, they replaced S. S and I would have these fun traditions, and we had our own things that we both did, and then over the summer, I don’t know why, S had this really good friend, but they had some rough patches, and then they made up! Which is great, but now S had completely replaced me with that person, and even worse, it was at a time I had a lot of issues at home. And without S, I didn’t have anyone to talk to about these problems.

And now, my other best friend, or well I’m not even sure they’re my friend anymore, they think I used them, and that I replaced them with other people, which isn’t true. I just believe that we drifted apart because we both changed as people. And now it irks me with their way of thinking because it’s so immature, and sometimes they don’t even realize what they are saying is so disrespectful towards their parents, and they just seem so self centered.

OK, another problem is that I like this guy. And this guy is my ex-boyfriend, and we broke up 9 months ago, but I still have feelings for him. And I hate it so much, because no matter how much I try to give up on him, or how much I try to like other people, my thoughts just seem to drift back to him. And he’s such a great guy, and we’re great friends, I don’t want to mess anything up between us, and our friendship.

I just feel so lost, and I just want someone to hug me and tell me that it’s going to be OK. Is that really too much to ask for? Alright bye, I gotta do homework now haha

Posted in Rants

Has anyone gotten so imersed in somrthing they forgot their original goal? It happened today as I was walking to the library, I had some books in my arm and I was so focused with talking to a friend, it took me a block to realized I forgot I even had books on me!

Posted in Rants

How do people fall in love?

My English presented me with this question, and I was told to answer it in a paragraph. However, there are too many ways to answer it, but in spite of my other homework, I decided to make it as brief as possible.

How do people fall in love?

I believe there are multiples ways to approach this question. To generalize, the main groups of love are romantic, platonic, themselves, and a concept. However, some situations may vary since most forms of love for people takes time to grow and to create a strong bond. These brief explanations are only of what may become after a well built relationship, or bond. It is merely the essence of these concepts.

First, is the obvious form of love between partners (two partners or more), where they engage in either a sexual, romantic or a combination of the two. A way love is expressed in this type, is to show affection, and the relation may start off without either of them loving, but rather “liking” one another. However, to love someone, for me personally, is to tolerate them for an extended time. I am the type of person to need time to myself after being in a social event, or with many people for a long period of time. In my case, loving someone feels like not wanting to leave them, and their presence doesn’t stress or exhaust me out.

Second, platonic love is very similar to romantic, however the line that divides them is somewhat blurry (at least for me). Platonic love is normally expressed with a friend. It is similar to romantic love, by how people express it, however, in my understanding, platonic love is with someone that the person would spend much of their time with, and romantic is with the rest of their lives. Although in many cases, romantic love is not a “forever situation” but more of a temporary fix for the human’s need to be loved, social or wanted. Platonic may consist of strong bonds and the feeling to be wanted, but I don’t think it has any sexual meaning.

Another type of love is to have love for one’s self. In my opinion, to have love for oneself may be the hardest and most challenging love to have. People tend to be their worst critics, and they pick at the smallest mistakes. People’s mistakes are like holes, the more someone picks at it, the larger the hole is. This is the same for people. They notice their mistakes, and flaws, and in their mind they exaggerate how terrible it actually is.  The bigger the flaw, or amount of confidence someone has, the harder it is for the person to learn to love themselves. For someone to love themself, they have to learn to accept all parts of themselves. There is this quote from a book, which when summarized, states that if the love hold true, then the person is doing the loving, will love the entire people, and not choose specific part to love, and ignore the rest. And I think that to love oneself  has to be loving the perfections, the imperfections and the inbetweens, because someone cannot truly love someone by only loving certain part of someone, they would have to accept the flaws as well. If they don’t, they are only loving a part of the person. It’s like how there is the concept of “two-faced people”, and only loving certain parts of someone, and ignoring the rest, is like only loving one side to someone and pretending the other side in nonexistent.

In my case, I’m still in the process of learning to love myself, as many people still are. I had to learn that I was a flawed being and I had to tell myself that it was okay for me to be this way. I am a perfectionist, and having these flaws caused so much stress. However, I had to truly realize by myself that I was fine the way I was, and there was nothing I had to change about myself in order to strive for the perfect being. I have learned that I am perfect because my imperfections make a unique person, and if I was like other people, there wouldn’t be a “me” anymore. I would merely be a copy, of a copy, and so forth.

Finally, there is the love of concepts. To clarify, I mean the love for a book, or art, or a sport, etc. By concept I mean something that fictional or human. Like how there is the idea to fall in love with a fictional character. The person may not love them, in the sense of marriage, but they embrace the idea of  the character and can be taken as admiration. There is also the feeling of seeing something that makes the person so overwhelmed with inspiration, as if they felt infinite. This may be because of a piece of art, an action that was admirable, a well written, etc (It really just depends of the person’s interests.) Therefore, the person will fall in love with what they experienced, or what they learned from them.

In conclusion, to answer the question of  “How do people fall in love?” is not answered. To be frank, this question is not what can be answered so shortly. However, in a brief and broad explanation, it is like a pop moment. A pop moment is where something that was confusing, suddenly becomes clear. Love being in a pop moment, may have the person suddenly realizing that this is how love is like, and although it is different for  all cases, there are some common ground. The process has to involve time and commitment in order to form a strong bond between two people, known more commonly as love. And to love someone is to love them as a whole, and not just a shadow of whom they are. Love feels like pure indescribable warmth and happiness.